Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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