Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
