listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
