I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
