Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
