its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
A bitchslap is in order.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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