I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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