drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
