Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
