i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
