Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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