My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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