Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
