upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
