look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
