i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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