Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
