She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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