It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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