Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
