I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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