you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
