She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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