Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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