Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
