how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
