# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well I just put wine in my tea
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
