The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
