just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
