her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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