they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
