is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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