My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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