I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
