You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
