I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize