Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
