i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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