That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
