Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
