found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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