Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
