I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
