Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Randomize
