there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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