I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
