When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
