tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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