I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
