Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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