Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
