I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
