You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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