I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
