I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
