He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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